Stuck on the Back Road…
Never thought I’d be on the internet confessing my sins, but here we are. ‘The Backroad’ is a pretty common term where I’m from. For me, it’s a costly detour taken to avoid traffic while attempting to get to your destination quicker. On the flip side, the roads taken are usually dark, wooded, and full of twists and turns.
Here’s my experience.
Imagine this: 22 years young and inexperienced in biblical ‘knowing’ and relationships. Confessing to my best friend that I'm over holding onto what I thought was a burden. My exact words were: “If God wants me to be with someone, he’ll send them to my front door." And it happened. In that exact manner.
Looking back, the way we met definitely gave away the plot to this entanglement. Everything happened so fast. I was on a date with his representative two days after meeting him.
Little did I know the representative would stay for three years. During that time I was working in education, going to school, building a brand and doing a marriage fast. I wasn’t looking for anything, but I thought something found me. Getting to know the representative seemed to align with what I was doing. We seemed similar in character, had the same likes and dislikes, and even shared the same birthday. Throughout the on-again, off-again flings, there was a fleeting moment where I thought I could be in love, then my discernment kicked in.
Being a babe in my spiritual walk with God left me familiar with having dreams, but when it came to hearing his voice it was hard to differentiate what was true. I began to feel uneasy around the representative. When he’d talk to me I would hear a voice telling me ‘he’s lying’ or ‘don’t go.' But as I matured, I realized the reason I couldn’t hear clearly was because of fornication. Something God despises for his children to take part in because of how deep the flesh can take them. The times I would pull away to draw near to God I would be fine. Then I would see him again. It's like hearing a siren call. We were attached by the spirit of lust. I cried so many nights because of how sorry I was, hoping God would forgive me. I thought of Him as angry and unforgiving until one night he said “I forgive you." In that moment I knew I could come home, but I was still ashamed. It took God to tell me I would get pregnant to come to Him and repent properly. I was looking for a way out, something I would never be able to forgive.
Would you believe it was his mask slipping that drove me away? He talked to me in a manner that no man had ever before. And that was it. Literally hours after I asked my Father for refuge He provided.
That backroad was the scariest one I’ve been on. The drops were steep and the streams looked deep, but that road seemed never ending. It was such a dark experience, with no light post or phone lines. Just darkness, until I made my way back to the main road.